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See also Love
See also Parent
Holiness is not found in sexual abstinence but rather in sexual purity.
Abstinence is tough, purity even tougher.
A successful marriage is a process, not an event.
Agathie Christie was asked, "What is it like to be married to an archaeologist?" "It's just wonderful," she answered. "The older I get, the more interested he becomes."
An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.. The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled..."I gave you a sham rock."
Clean Laugh
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Clean Laugh
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
How many wives?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?", "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?", "Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."
CleanLaugh
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that guy, I think he will be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer and said "That's a strange way propose to a girl, but nevertheless, I accept!", leaving her new fiancée in shock!
Clean Laugh
POSITION: Parent
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term player needed for challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must keep this job for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety testing, as well as floor maintenance and janitorial work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of end project.
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: There is no possibility of either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES: None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income you have left.
BENEFITS: There is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options. However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life.
Clean Laugh
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy… "I have no idea what that means." The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Clean Laugh
Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
Clean Pun
Frank was a happily married man who had only one complaint: His wife, Myra, was always nursing sick birds. One cold November evening he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin tablet, while in the kitchen Myra was comforting a shivering wren. Frank dropped his briefcase and strode over to where his wife was towelling down the cold little bird. "Myra!" he shouted. "I can't take it anymore! We've got to get rid of all of these ..." Myra held up her hand and cut him off in sentence. "Please dear," she said. "Not in front of the chilled wren!"
One Stormy Night
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two roles to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two roles? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice." "Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
Clean Laugh
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
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