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The 4 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
He looks like Santa.
Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1.) I really don't deserve this.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
The Post Room Supplied by Andy Stovel
Walter, a young man who went to work for the largest corporation in the world. The personnel director told Walter he must start at the bottom and work his way up, so he began work in the mailroom. Walter liked his job, but often daydreamed about what it would be like to be an executive, the president, maybe even chairman of the board! One day as Walter was dividing the mail, he saw a cockroach in the corner of the room. As he walked over to step on it Walter heard a tiny voice crying out, "Don't kill me! I'm Milton the cockroach, and if you spare me I'll grant all your wishes." Walter agreed that was a good arrangement, and he spared Milton's life.
Walter's first wish was to leave the mailroom and become a vice president, so Milton granted the wish. In fact, Milton granted wish after wish until finally Walter was chairman of the board of the largest corporation in the world, with an office on the top floor of the tallest building in the world. Everyone looked up to Walter and he was very happy. Walter often said to himself, "I am Walter, and I'm at the top. No one is bigger or more important then me."
Then one day Walter heard footsteps on the roof, and went out to find a small boy on his knees, praying. "Are you praying to Walter?" he asked - after all, he was the chairman of the board of the largest corporation in the world - but the boy replied, "Oh, no. I'm praying to God," Walter was quite disturbed by this turn of events, so he returned to his office and sent for Milton the cockroach. "I have another wish," he told Milton. "I want to be like God." And so Milton granted Walter's wish.
The next day Walter was back in the mailroom.
Heard on Radio 5
A jockey was at the front of the field in the 2:45 at Newmarket. As he jumped the third to last fence he was hit on the head by a frozen Turkey, which knocked him back to third place. By the next fence he had regained first position, but as he cleared the fence he was hit by two boxes of mince pies and Christmas pudding. Which knocked him back into second place. At the last fence he again was back in front, but was hit on the head by a Christmas cake, a box of crackers and a bag of spouts. All of which knocked him back to fourth place. He made tremendous ground but eventually came in Second.
After the race he made a formal complaint to the Stewards Enquiry on the grounds that he had been seriously Hampered.
Gift Instructions
* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
* Some dismemberment may occur.
* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
* Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
* Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
*Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
* NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
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